There are a myriad of ways to die. Even everyday activities like getting in a car or taking a shower can become deadly under the right circumstances. But how can we stay safe without spending years of fraught rumination trying to figure out what to avoid? Humans aren’t just born with the knowledge that the papery red skin of a peanut could pose a choking hazard unless it is removed prior to ingestion of the nut itself. That’s why God invented mothers.
Does your mother have any favorite quotes? Mine does. And pretty much all of them come out in panicked tones that conjure up images of car accidents, kidnapping, italics, and lots of exclamation points. “Where are you going tonight? Is Rosie going with you? I don’t want to have to worry about you driving all over God’s green earth at night, especially when they’re calling for snow!! Suppose you get a flat tire and some strange man stops to help you?”
That’s never how it goes in the Hallmark movies. Those kids always remember whole books of wise quotes that ramble on for ages in incoherent mumbo-jumbo. It’s usually something like “remember, mom always used to say, ‘you can never leave your life to find your love. You must look inside your heart and become that for yourself. Don’t let anyone take away your light or your love, because that is what will carry you through the darkness.'” I’m sorry, but did I miss something somewhere? How come all of my mom’s soliloquies are about some new safety-compromising scam she just discovered?
Take the Parking Lot Perfume Snatcher. This news hit my family via mass texts from my mother and my aunts, meaning we all got the same message three times: Just received this text from a friend: FWD: If anyone stops u in the parking lot of a mall, Walmart or the home depot and asks if u’re interested in some perfume and gives u a paper to smell, please don’t! It’s a new scam, the paper is laced with drugs. U’ll pass out so they can kidnap, rob or do worse. This was received from a senior police officer – alert everyone u want to protect. Well, great – now I have no idea where I’ll buy my perfume, since I usually wait for the random guy in the Target parking lot to creep out from behind a stack of carts and offer me some.
Mothers serve as a kind of database for warnings, safety precautions, and potentially life-threatening situations. It’s like they have a giant catalog of all the potentially hazardous decisions you might make in a day. That’s why they’re always so worried. Don’t go to the bathroom alone. Call me when you get there. You girls stick together. Don’t drive in the snow…or at night…or alone…ever. Wash your vegetables with water and soap. Lock your car when you get out to pump gas. If a cop pulls you over, turn your flashers on and drive to a well-populated area, or call the department to ensure that the officer is legitimate. Don’t eat nuts before you go to sleep and, if you do, chew them up good. Don’t go running at night…or alone…ever. Don’t put your feet up on the dashboard. Tampons cause TSS. Kisses cause Mono. Everything else causes cancer.
And after she gives you all these warnings, your mother will always tell you that you can come to her if you ever get yourself into any trouble. Who does she think she’s kidding? You wouldn’t call your mother to get out of a mess that you got yourself into by ignoring her precautions. That’s like calling the TSA to help you calm down the endangered species you have hidden in your carry-on luggage. Besides, everyone knows that’s why God invented cousins and siblings – to bail you out of jail at 3 o’clock in the morning so you can avoid telling your mother and having a conversation that starts with “the important thing is you’re ok” and ends with “so here’s this tracking bracelet.”
But she’ll probably find out anyway, because mothers are always right there. To tell you not to ride in cabs. To ask you who else is going to be at the party. To make you a day-bed on the sofa when you’re sick. To teach you how to do laundry and cook pasta. To make you a birthday cake (no matter how old you are). To watch movies all night when your friends leave you behind. To make everything ok. Because that’s why God invented mothers.
LolaRoberta 
Another great post! I must admit – I have been known to forward one or two warnings now and again! Better safe than sorry I guess!
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Guilty – as charged. I am a worry wart mother – always have been and no doubt always will be. But you must know – it’s all out of love (although granted – it may feel to you that it’s all out of paranoia – ha ha ). But I’m glad to see it has all made an impression – and you have learned to roll with it – even laugh at it – cause deep down – that means you haven’t forgotten a word. So – thanks for the entertaining shout out to the aunts , me , and concerned mothers everywhere. We hear you and won’t be changing a thing. As the message in the card that you and Brother gave me – that goes with that sweet Golden picture you used in this post says – ” Right behind you – and always a step ahead.” Love you LR – XXXOOO
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So right on, and more true than your loyal followers might realize. I can vouch, as I have heard all of these warnings, given in panic, over and over and over, haha. And I have seen, first hand, the looks of concern every time a new threat was discovered, either by a public service announcement on radio, TV, in a magazine article, or online at Huffing and Puffington Post. And I can recite them verbatim, just as you can recite AGG, Christmas Vacation, White Christmas, etc. Keep the entertainment coming, LR, love it!!
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PS. What a cute pic…your mother will go wild.
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I am sure I don’t know what you are talking about but glad that all that good advice stuck. This would make a good Mothet’s Day post if you are at a loss for words that weekend. And remember to always put paper on the seat.
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